With voters starting to feel jaded by the constant promises of change, one candidate offers real, biological change
CHICAGO--Lawrence "Larry" Roman Stoffel announced his official candidacy for president. Larry, or "Larold" as he is known to those who wish to combine his name with "Harold," decided he had seen enough of these candidates who offered realistic leadership qualities and policy ideas. In order to remedy the situation, "Mr. Bear" decided to run himself."I have seen enough of these candidates who are neither cute NOR cuddly," he said in a press conference Wednesday. "I am the only candidate who exclusively offers both."
Larry will officially be running as a Democrat, because he feels McCain already has the Republican nomination locked up. "I offer no advantage over McCain," Larry said, "I can't lift my arms over my head either."
A typical day on the campaign trail for Larry includes going into the backyard where he does the bulk of his business, then sliding around in excitement on the tile flooring, dancing a bit, eating dry food, sleeping on his owner's bed, sleeping on his owner's couch, sleeping on his own bed, prancing about the neighborhood, then eating again, going out again, dancing again and finally, sleeping again.
What led such an active dog to duty? "I just have really great campaign photos. Just take a look around you: what are your other options? A chick with a cheap haircut, a guy who looks like he's got acorns lodged in his mouth or another guy with the complexion of Ovaltine powder. Gross." After stunned silence followed this comment at his press conference he added, "I'm just saying."
In fact, analysts are predicting that it won't matter what Larry says, because he's just that cute. "He could make fun of McCain's melanoma and nobody really cares," an anonymous attendee said. "Come on, look at him! Have you seen him dance? Jesus, it's heart-warming. When was the last time a president was heart-warming? Presidents make my heart feel cold."
Despite Larry's overwhelming cuteness, fluffiness and adorableness factors, his campaign must overcome two major problems.
"At first I was afraid I didn't have the balls to run," he said," but then I realized I don't have balls at all."
However, this may help him with the key female vote. Females also lack balls.
Larry can also bark at his fellow canine constituents, who are predicted to come to the polls in record numbers (in previous years their voting total was zero). Other than that, he occasionally howls at his owner, Michelle Stoffel, for attention. "Watch out America," she said. "He may howl at you, too."
Although America could not be reached for comment, most people report that they don't mind being howled at, because the howling is just so damn adorable.
Here are several photos, which Larry believes will convince voters that "politics are stupid; so vote for a cute dog."
He hopes that pictures will be included on the ballot in November, so "really stupid voters will come out and just vote for the best-looking thing they see. And that will be me," Larry said.
Larry's official campaign photo. He looks both pensive and really cute as he stares resolutely over Lake Michigan in his hometown of Chicago, Ill.
"I will clean up the mess our country is in," Larry said. "Just like I cleaned up the mess here: one thing at a time. That flannel shirt is seriously exactly the same as health care."
Larry delivers a moving speech, "I'm so tired of the status quo, so tired I'm literally yawning" he said. "There's no bigger change than a change of species in the White House."
Larry hard at work lying down and looking like you wanna squeeze him.
Larry looking jaunty on the campaign trail. "I'm really well-behaved too," Larry added. "Everyone can stand me, and most people love me."
Larry's supporters gather at his campaign headquarters on Kenmore Avenue in Chicago. "LAROLD!" shouted Michele Mancuso, top right, a long-time Larry-lover. "Even my supporters are adorable," Larry commented.
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