The History of the Bear

Although some pundits are currently predicting Larry could be the Democratic "dark horse" candidate, Larry disagrees.

"Dark horse? I am a light dog. Those are different animals," he said. "That really tells you something about these TV talking heads; they don't know the difference between two different types of animals."

In order to pull some attention from his far more recognizable candidate-opponents, Larry will be publishing a book called "The Faith of The Dreams From My Naptime: Thoughts on Reclaiming the Audacity of My Memoirs."

"This book follows my journey from birth to eventual candidacy, highlights my political career, and discusses my times as a street dog, my time in the pound, and my final reclamation and redemption," Larry said. "I am warning you now, there are parts you may want to skip over when reading this to the kids," even though Larry is publishing with Disney. "They have unparalleled experience with publishing talking animals," he said.

Larry's story begins in a pound in Georgia. "I was born somewhere outside Atlanta, I think. I never knew my parents," Larry said. "I assume my mom was some unspayed bitch and my dad just took her for a ride. She was a cheap date and he was some tramp let loose by cheap chain-link fencing and a beer-drunk Southern racist."

Although it may seem that Larry holds some latent anger towards his parents, he insists this isn't true.

"Please, I'm just being honest. This is how these types of things happen in the dog community, more or less. Unless you're some kind of purebred snob." Whether this is a jab at the all-white candidates Hillary and McCain or just a facetious comment, it is unknown.

Larry spent two years in the south with a family who cared little for him. "The children were terrible. I hated them all. You know how when a little kid gets excited he flaps his arms up and down? They don't have the motor skills to properly pet or pat you, so they just hit you. But I was a fragile, young pup and this hurt my psyche. And my ass." Larry's campaign team is worried his sensitivity over his ass will become an issue.

The family moved to Chicago in 2004 and Larry's situation got worse.

"Nobody fed me scraps of table food, and cuddling? Forget it. They didn't want my sheddy hair on them." Eventually Larry knew he had to leave.

"It was a hard time for me," Larry continued. "A hard time for America too. I've always experienced my hardships with America by my side."

Larry spent the next three weeks wandering the streets. "I don't like to talk about that time. When you're a street dog you've got to do a lot of things for food. But, can I just bring up this point? Do you think any of my opponents ever suffered just trying to survive...except McCain. Just forget about McCain for a second, okay? The other ones. The rich ones. No, they didn't."

Most of the skills Larry currently possesses he believes he gained on the street.

"You know what true leadership is? It's leading a half-eaten bag of Doritos into my mouth. Think I can't work with foreign nations? I once worked with a rogue pack of rats to force a Panera bakery girl to hand over the bag of day-old bagels she was carrying. I appreciate this country like you wouldn't believe. America's excesses fed me for three weeks and the hope of a better tomorrow clothed me."

A better tomorrow came for Larry, when he was picked up by Animal Care and Control, taken to the pound, and eventually adopted.

In his book, Larry emphasizes the personal traits that got him through. 

"Cuteness. I am really cute. Not just in looks, but in personality also. I got adopted because I am cute, and I think America will adopt me as their president for the same reason."

When asked if he could elaborate on the "dreams of his naptime," Larry said, "Well cause there's this chapter where I talk about my naptime dreams. Most of the time they involve me barking at other dogs and chasing cars and digging holes. Seems simple, but those cars are universal health care and the other dogs are terrorists and the holes I'm digging are escape holes from the fenced-in backyard of a recession. The other side: economic growth."

So Larry dreams in governmental policy? "Yes, yes I do."

For more information, contact Disney Publishing. Seriously. Ask them for this book.