Larry on the defensive

Because of his late declaration as a candidate, Larry’s Democratic opponents initially laughed him off. “We’re in a dead heat for delegates,” Hillary’s spokesperson Some Tool said. “This dog comes up thinking he can win, without delegates. What a joke.”

Barack simply said, “I have hope in the unity of my vision for America. Larry does not have the judgment to lead, nor the hope, nor the trust that I embody.” Barack’s on-staff optimistic-rhetoric-to-English translator explained that all this meant, “He doesn’t have delegates.”

But since Larry’s announcement, his campaign has picked up national attention, from Pittsburgh to slightly west of Minneapolis, people are paying attention to this true underdog candidate. With the race remaining close and the candidates sensitive to every shift in the political winds, Larry’s opponents are hoping to knock Larry’s platform down.

“While he is cute,” Hillary admitted, slipping her rarely seen ‘genuine’ smile, “I don’t think cuteness will win any wars for our country. Terrorists are not scared away by cute dogs. And if they should attack, God forbid, how will Larry defend himself? He won’t even let someone innocently pat his butt. You can’t be Commander in Chief if you’re always walking backwards.”

Barack seemed to agree, but it’s hard to tell. “This country has been walking backwards for a long time,” Obama said. “We need a leader who will walk forward, hand in hand with America. And I am that leader.”

His translator said, “Basically he’s saying that Larry can’t lead a country if he can’t even trust people with his butt.”

“I represent trust,” Barack added.

Larry’s spokesman Matt Monahan responded to the criticism by knocking over a garbage can and throwing a computer across his office.

“These are just crazy lies and oversimplifications. Larry is very sensitive about his posterior. What does this mean for America? I’ll tell you what it means. It means that if you elect Larry, he will never turn his back on you. How is that not trust?” Monahan said. “Besides, nobody wants to look at a dog’s butt.”