Because of his late declaration as a candidate, Larry’s Democratic opponents initially laughed him off. “We’re in a dead heat for delegates,” Hillary’s spokesperson Some Tool said. “This dog comes up thinking he can win, without delegates. What a joke.”
Barack simply said, “I have hope in the unity of my vision for America. Larry does not have the judgment to lead, nor the hope, nor the trust that I embody.” Barack’s on-staff optimistic-rhetoric-to-English translator explained that all this meant, “He doesn’t have delegates.”
But since Larry’s announcement, his campaign has picked up national attention, from Pittsburgh to slightly west of Minneapolis, people are paying attention to this true underdog candidate. With the race remaining close and the candidates sensitive to every shift in the political winds, Larry’s opponents are hoping to knock Larry’s platform down.
“While he is cute,” Hillary admitted, slipping her rarely seen ‘genuine’ smile, “I don’t think cuteness will win any wars for our country. Terrorists are not scared away by cute dogs. And if they should attack, God forbid, how will Larry defend himself? He won’t even let someone innocently pat his butt. You can’t be Commander in Chief if you’re always walking backwards.”
Barack seemed to agree, but it’s hard to tell. “This country has been walking backwards for a long time,” Obama said. “We need a leader who will walk forward, hand in hand with America. And I am that leader.”
His translator said, “Basically he’s saying that Larry can’t lead a country if he can’t even trust people with his butt.”
“I represent trust,” Barack added.
Larry’s spokesman Matt Monahan responded to the criticism by knocking over a garbage can and throwing a computer across his office.
“These are just crazy lies and oversimplifications. Larry is very sensitive about his posterior. What does this mean for America? I’ll tell you what it means. It means that if you elect Larry, he will never turn his back on you. How is that not trust?” Monahan said. “Besides, nobody wants to look at a dog’s butt.”
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The History of the Bear
Although some pundits are currently predicting Larry could be the Democratic "dark horse" candidate, Larry disagrees.
"Dark horse? I am a light dog. Those are different animals," he said. "That really tells you something about these TV talking heads; they don't know the difference between two different types of animals."
In order to pull some attention from his far more recognizable candidate-opponents, Larry will be publishing a book called "The Faith of The Dreams From My Naptime: Thoughts on Reclaiming the Audacity of My Memoirs."
"This book follows my journey from birth to eventual candidacy, highlights my political career, and discusses my times as a street dog, my time in the pound, and my final reclamation and redemption," Larry said. "I am warning you now, there are parts you may want to skip over when reading this to the kids," even though Larry is publishing with Disney. "They have unparalleled experience with publishing talking animals," he said.
Larry's story begins in a pound in Georgia. "I was born somewhere outside Atlanta, I think. I never knew my parents," Larry said. "I assume my mom was some unspayed bitch and my dad just took her for a ride. She was a cheap date and he was some tramp let loose by cheap chain-link fencing and a beer-drunk Southern racist."
Although it may seem that Larry holds some latent anger towards his parents, he insists this isn't true.
"Please, I'm just being honest. This is how these types of things happen in the dog community, more or less. Unless you're some kind of purebred snob." Whether this is a jab at the all-white candidates Hillary and McCain or just a facetious comment, it is unknown.
Larry spent two years in the south with a family who cared little for him. "The children were terrible. I hated them all. You know how when a little kid gets excited he flaps his arms up and down? They don't have the motor skills to properly pet or pat you, so they just hit you. But I was a fragile, young pup and this hurt my psyche. And my ass." Larry's campaign team is worried his sensitivity over his ass will become an issue.
The family moved to Chicago in 2004 and Larry's situation got worse.
"Nobody fed me scraps of table food, and cuddling? Forget it. They didn't want my sheddy hair on them." Eventually Larry knew he had to leave.
"It was a hard time for me," Larry continued. "A hard time for America too. I've always experienced my hardships with America by my side."
Larry spent the next three weeks wandering the streets. "I don't like to talk about that time. When you're a street dog you've got to do a lot of things for food. But, can I just bring up this point? Do you think any of my opponents ever suffered just trying to survive...except McCain. Just forget about McCain for a second, okay? The other ones. The rich ones. No, they didn't."
Most of the skills Larry currently possesses he believes he gained on the street.
"You know what true leadership is? It's leading a half-eaten bag of Doritos into my mouth. Think I can't work with foreign nations? I once worked with a rogue pack of rats to force a Panera bakery girl to hand over the bag of day-old bagels she was carrying. I appreciate this country like you wouldn't believe. America's excesses fed me for three weeks and the hope of a better tomorrow clothed me."
A better tomorrow came for Larry, when he was picked up by Animal Care and Control, taken to the pound, and eventually adopted.
In his book, Larry emphasizes the personal traits that got him through.
"Cuteness. I am really cute. Not just in looks, but in personality also. I got adopted because I am cute, and I think America will adopt me as their president for the same reason."
When asked if he could elaborate on the "dreams of his naptime," Larry said, "Well cause there's this chapter where I talk about my naptime dreams. Most of the time they involve me barking at other dogs and chasing cars and digging holes. Seems simple, but those cars are universal health care and the other dogs are terrorists and the holes I'm digging are escape holes from the fenced-in backyard of a recession. The other side: economic growth."
So Larry dreams in governmental policy? "Yes, yes I do."
For more information, contact Disney Publishing. Seriously. Ask them for this book.
"Dark horse? I am a light dog. Those are different animals," he said. "That really tells you something about these TV talking heads; they don't know the difference between two different types of animals."
In order to pull some attention from his far more recognizable candidate-opponents, Larry will be publishing a book called "The Faith of The Dreams From My Naptime: Thoughts on Reclaiming the Audacity of My Memoirs."
"This book follows my journey from birth to eventual candidacy, highlights my political career, and discusses my times as a street dog, my time in the pound, and my final reclamation and redemption," Larry said. "I am warning you now, there are parts you may want to skip over when reading this to the kids," even though Larry is publishing with Disney. "They have unparalleled experience with publishing talking animals," he said.
Larry's story begins in a pound in Georgia. "I was born somewhere outside Atlanta, I think. I never knew my parents," Larry said. "I assume my mom was some unspayed bitch and my dad just took her for a ride. She was a cheap date and he was some tramp let loose by cheap chain-link fencing and a beer-drunk Southern racist."
Although it may seem that Larry holds some latent anger towards his parents, he insists this isn't true.
"Please, I'm just being honest. This is how these types of things happen in the dog community, more or less. Unless you're some kind of purebred snob." Whether this is a jab at the all-white candidates Hillary and McCain or just a facetious comment, it is unknown.
Larry spent two years in the south with a family who cared little for him. "The children were terrible. I hated them all. You know how when a little kid gets excited he flaps his arms up and down? They don't have the motor skills to properly pet or pat you, so they just hit you. But I was a fragile, young pup and this hurt my psyche. And my ass." Larry's campaign team is worried his sensitivity over his ass will become an issue.
The family moved to Chicago in 2004 and Larry's situation got worse.
"Nobody fed me scraps of table food, and cuddling? Forget it. They didn't want my sheddy hair on them." Eventually Larry knew he had to leave.
"It was a hard time for me," Larry continued. "A hard time for America too. I've always experienced my hardships with America by my side."
Larry spent the next three weeks wandering the streets. "I don't like to talk about that time. When you're a street dog you've got to do a lot of things for food. But, can I just bring up this point? Do you think any of my opponents ever suffered just trying to survive...except McCain. Just forget about McCain for a second, okay? The other ones. The rich ones. No, they didn't."
Most of the skills Larry currently possesses he believes he gained on the street.
"You know what true leadership is? It's leading a half-eaten bag of Doritos into my mouth. Think I can't work with foreign nations? I once worked with a rogue pack of rats to force a Panera bakery girl to hand over the bag of day-old bagels she was carrying. I appreciate this country like you wouldn't believe. America's excesses fed me for three weeks and the hope of a better tomorrow clothed me."
A better tomorrow came for Larry, when he was picked up by Animal Care and Control, taken to the pound, and eventually adopted.
In his book, Larry emphasizes the personal traits that got him through.
"Cuteness. I am really cute. Not just in looks, but in personality also. I got adopted because I am cute, and I think America will adopt me as their president for the same reason."
When asked if he could elaborate on the "dreams of his naptime," Larry said, "Well cause there's this chapter where I talk about my naptime dreams. Most of the time they involve me barking at other dogs and chasing cars and digging holes. Seems simple, but those cars are universal health care and the other dogs are terrorists and the holes I'm digging are escape holes from the fenced-in backyard of a recession. The other side: economic growth."
So Larry dreams in governmental policy? "Yes, yes I do."
For more information, contact Disney Publishing. Seriously. Ask them for this book.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Show your inter-species support!
Support has began pouring in for the Bear. His facebook campaign is proving a remarkable success, boasting almost 20 members! Larry-supporters are already printing up material! Check out this campaign poster created by Bear-hugger (as some of his supporters are branding themselves) Alison. We here at the Larry campaign love Alison's use of red and blue. Thanks, Ali!
If you feel compelled to create some Larry material, even melodramatic WWII-era propaganda, then send it our way. Larry loves you all!
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Larry is officially running!
A change of species
With voters starting to feel jaded by the constant promises of change, one candidate offers real, biological change
CHICAGO--Lawrence "Larry" Roman Stoffel announced his official candidacy for president. Larry, or "Larold" as he is known to those who wish to combine his name with "Harold," decided he had seen enough of these candidates who offered realistic leadership qualities and policy ideas. In order to remedy the situation, "Mr. Bear" decided to run himself.
"I have seen enough of these candidates who are neither cute NOR cuddly," he said in a press conference Wednesday. "I am the only candidate who exclusively offers both."
Larry will officially be running as a Democrat, because he feels McCain already has the Republican nomination locked up. "I offer no advantage over McCain," Larry said, "I can't lift my arms over my head either."
A typical day on the campaign trail for Larry includes going into the backyard where he does the bulk of his business, then sliding around in excitement on the tile flooring, dancing a bit, eating dry food, sleeping on his owner's bed, sleeping on his owner's couch, sleeping on his own bed, prancing about the neighborhood, then eating again, going out again, dancing again and finally, sleeping again.
What led such an active dog to duty? "I just have really great campaign photos. Just take a look around you: what are your other options? A chick with a cheap haircut, a guy who looks like he's got acorns lodged in his mouth or another guy with the complexion of Ovaltine powder. Gross." After stunned silence followed this comment at his press conference he added, "I'm just saying."
In fact, analysts are predicting that it won't matter what Larry says, because he's just that cute. "He could make fun of McCain's melanoma and nobody really cares," an anonymous attendee said. "Come on, look at him! Have you seen him dance? Jesus, it's heart-warming. When was the last time a president was heart-warming? Presidents make my heart feel cold."
Despite Larry's overwhelming cuteness, fluffiness and adorableness factors, his campaign must overcome two major problems.
"At first I was afraid I didn't have the balls to run," he said," but then I realized I don't have balls at all."
However, this may help him with the key female vote. Females also lack balls.
Larry can also bark at his fellow canine constituents, who are predicted to come to the polls in record numbers (in previous years their voting total was zero). Other than that, he occasionally howls at his owner, Michelle Stoffel, for attention. "Watch out America," she said. "He may howl at you, too."
Although America could not be reached for comment, most people report that they don't mind being howled at, because the howling is just so damn adorable.
Here are several photos, which Larry believes will convince voters that "politics are stupid; so vote for a cute dog."
He hopes that pictures will be included on the ballot in November, so "really stupid voters will come out and just vote for the best-looking thing they see. And that will be me," Larry said.
Larry's official campaign photo. He looks both pensive and really cute as he stares resolutely over Lake Michigan in his hometown of Chicago, Ill.
"I will clean up the mess our country is in," Larry said. "Just like I cleaned up the mess here: one thing at a time. That flannel shirt is seriously exactly the same as health care."
Larry delivers a moving speech, "I'm so tired of the status quo, so tired I'm literally yawning" he said. "There's no bigger change than a change of species in the White House."
Larry hard at work lying down and looking like you wanna squeeze him.
Larry looking jaunty on the campaign trail. "I'm really well-behaved too," Larry added. "Everyone can stand me, and most people love me."
Larry's supporters gather at his campaign headquarters on Kenmore Avenue in Chicago. "LAROLD!" shouted Michele Mancuso, top right, a long-time Larry-lover. "Even my supporters are adorable," Larry commented.
With voters starting to feel jaded by the constant promises of change, one candidate offers real, biological change
CHICAGO--Lawrence "Larry" Roman Stoffel announced his official candidacy for president. Larry, or "Larold" as he is known to those who wish to combine his name with "Harold," decided he had seen enough of these candidates who offered realistic leadership qualities and policy ideas. In order to remedy the situation, "Mr. Bear" decided to run himself."I have seen enough of these candidates who are neither cute NOR cuddly," he said in a press conference Wednesday. "I am the only candidate who exclusively offers both."
Larry will officially be running as a Democrat, because he feels McCain already has the Republican nomination locked up. "I offer no advantage over McCain," Larry said, "I can't lift my arms over my head either."
A typical day on the campaign trail for Larry includes going into the backyard where he does the bulk of his business, then sliding around in excitement on the tile flooring, dancing a bit, eating dry food, sleeping on his owner's bed, sleeping on his owner's couch, sleeping on his own bed, prancing about the neighborhood, then eating again, going out again, dancing again and finally, sleeping again.
What led such an active dog to duty? "I just have really great campaign photos. Just take a look around you: what are your other options? A chick with a cheap haircut, a guy who looks like he's got acorns lodged in his mouth or another guy with the complexion of Ovaltine powder. Gross." After stunned silence followed this comment at his press conference he added, "I'm just saying."
In fact, analysts are predicting that it won't matter what Larry says, because he's just that cute. "He could make fun of McCain's melanoma and nobody really cares," an anonymous attendee said. "Come on, look at him! Have you seen him dance? Jesus, it's heart-warming. When was the last time a president was heart-warming? Presidents make my heart feel cold."
Despite Larry's overwhelming cuteness, fluffiness and adorableness factors, his campaign must overcome two major problems.
"At first I was afraid I didn't have the balls to run," he said," but then I realized I don't have balls at all."
However, this may help him with the key female vote. Females also lack balls.
Larry can also bark at his fellow canine constituents, who are predicted to come to the polls in record numbers (in previous years their voting total was zero). Other than that, he occasionally howls at his owner, Michelle Stoffel, for attention. "Watch out America," she said. "He may howl at you, too."
Although America could not be reached for comment, most people report that they don't mind being howled at, because the howling is just so damn adorable.
Here are several photos, which Larry believes will convince voters that "politics are stupid; so vote for a cute dog."
He hopes that pictures will be included on the ballot in November, so "really stupid voters will come out and just vote for the best-looking thing they see. And that will be me," Larry said.
Larry's official campaign photo. He looks both pensive and really cute as he stares resolutely over Lake Michigan in his hometown of Chicago, Ill.
"I will clean up the mess our country is in," Larry said. "Just like I cleaned up the mess here: one thing at a time. That flannel shirt is seriously exactly the same as health care."
Larry delivers a moving speech, "I'm so tired of the status quo, so tired I'm literally yawning" he said. "There's no bigger change than a change of species in the White House."
Larry hard at work lying down and looking like you wanna squeeze him.
Larry looking jaunty on the campaign trail. "I'm really well-behaved too," Larry added. "Everyone can stand me, and most people love me."
Larry's supporters gather at his campaign headquarters on Kenmore Avenue in Chicago. "LAROLD!" shouted Michele Mancuso, top right, a long-time Larry-lover. "Even my supporters are adorable," Larry commented.
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